On Sunday morning and on what would have been my grandmother's 92nd birthday, Luckie died. I found him dead on the kitchen floor. I think he choked after vomiting. I wasn't with him. No one was. He died alone. I feel terrible for this. I hope he did not suffer for long and that he wasn't scared. Of course, I will never know. I just know that he isn't suffering now.
After fighting arthritis, a thyroid tumor, seizures, and the undignified maladies of old age, Luckie probably succumbed to a relatively new problem for us, a paralyzed vocal cord. This is what made him gag after drinking water and made him pant and lose 10 pounds in one month. This is what he died from. I didn't see it coming.
Even in his last weeks, as he lost weight and became a picky eater, he still followed us from room to room, still enjoyed his dinner of turkey or ground beef with rice and veggies. On his last night, he picked up a bone that had been lying on the floor untouched for at least a week. I thought he was unable to eat bones anymore but he picked it up and chewed it slowly. I was so happy to see him do something he had once enjoyed so much but had to give up. Then I became concerned that he might choke so I left him with the few small pieces he broke off and threw out the large part. He didn't try to take it from me, as he would have when he was younger (when he was younger, he never would have let me near his bone, period). He gave in and slowly chewed on the small bits before leaving them behind for his water. Maybe he knew that he was going to die and he just wanted one last bone.
I feel lost, guilty, bereft, and sad. I ache and miss him. On Wednesday, my mother and I will watch him be cremated and then we will take his ashes home. On the drive up to the pet cemetery on Sunday, we carefully wrapped Luckie up before placing him on the back of the pick-up truck. I drove in front with Brian while my mother, stepfather, and Luckie followed in the truck. We had our hazard lights on because we were driving slowly but we also inadvertently gave Luckie a final procession.
Luckie was in my life for half of my life. I haven't known an adulthood without him and with him gone, I finally feel as though my childhood is completely over. I remember a time when Luckie was my only true friend. I remember our walks in the woods, the one time when I sat crying on a rock and was lonely, except he was there. He was there when I cried, there when I giggled, was so ecstatic to walk with me and catch balls I threw, and he seemed to forgive me when I was too busy with my own life and took for granted that he would always be around.
Taking care of Luckie has been such a focus for me in the last few months that last night I felt like howling as I laid in bed and knew there was no one to check on at 2 in the morning anymore. The house is so empty. We've left his last bit of water in his bowl but many signs of him are gone. Even most of the dog hair is cleaned up. As I pulled into my driveway last night, I still looked for his head to pop up in the window.
Losing him, even in just a day, has shown me who the truly compassionate people in my life are. A yoga teacher I've only spoken to once and arranged to meet with privately today sent a kind email expressing her sympathy after I called to cancel our meeting. Johanna of Vegans of Color, who I have only met once and only know through a blog, immediately sent her sympathies. Sky, who lives across the country, called within minutes of me sending her an email about Luckie's passing. Two friends who I see or speak to just a few times a year sounded truly concerned and hurt when I spoke with them. Then another friend, who I have known for over 15 years ignored my calls, didn't listen to my sobbing message, and then feigned ignorance when I finally spoke to them and could not even muster up an, "I'm sorry," when I confronted them on their unavailability and duplicity. I am raw and angry and have felt conflicted about this friend for a very long time and now all ambivalence has come into crystal clear focus. This person is not a friend and I don't want them in my life. Losing Luckie has made many things clear: who does and doesn't love me, what my next moves will be. Everything is now apparent after being in limbo for so long.
Brian. Oh my god, what would I do without him. He was with me when I found Luckie. He cleaned up after Luckie while I paced around the house sobbing and sounding insane. He helped us take Luckie to the pet cemetery. He cried for Luckie and held me. Having Brian in my life also has made it clear to me that relationships and friendships I once mistook for love, attachment and passion were nothing more than toxic wastes of time. I'm grateful that I have Brian. I am not alone anymore and even when I sometimes feel lonely, he still loves me.
Luckie most of all always showed me pure, unfettered, unconditional love and affection. I will miss his sweetness, his intuition, his intelligence, his sense of humor and mischief, and his valiant spirit. He outlived most retrievers by two years and he left still being able to eat and walk and hobble from room to room to be with his loved ones. He still gave kisses and never became despondent even after his walks stopped and his world got so much smaller. I love and miss him so much and thank him for being one of my greatest teachers.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Today's Lunch: The Good News & The Bad News
I went out to lunch with some colleagues today at a very nice, spacious restaurant not far from my job. I wasn't able to check out the menu beforehand so I was a little worried about finding something to eat. I was, however, relieved to find that I could easily order a decent salad by requesting that mine come sans animal parts. I wasn't hungry for much more than a salad anyway.
Good news: Without any prompting, the waiter told our table that the mushroom soup contained chicken broth and cream and added, "Just want to let you know in case that's a problem for anyone." Wow. That was refreshing. The pureed garbanzo bean soup with croutons and balsamic glaze sounded promising but he said--again, without any prompting--it contained cream. How great that the waitstaff didn't just assume everyone eats animal-based broth. Also, the foccacia was delicious.
Bad news: I ordered a salad with wontons, oranges, avocado and ginger dressing without chicken. When my salad came, there was a huge hunk of chicken leg and thigh sitting next to it. Not those innocuous-seeming hunks of chicken breast that are so ubiquitous on restaurant salads--a big, old piece of chicken. Anyways, I quickly said, "Oh, no chicken," and they took it back with no problem and gave me my salad on a new plate.
I came out as a vegan to one of my co-workers when he asked if I was vegan. I hate talking about it even though I know it's part of being a "good" vegan. It's just, well, I like to eat in peace. Nothing gets my back up like people dissecting what goes into my mouth. I'd much rather blog and blab when there's no food around.
Good news: Without any prompting, the waiter told our table that the mushroom soup contained chicken broth and cream and added, "Just want to let you know in case that's a problem for anyone." Wow. That was refreshing. The pureed garbanzo bean soup with croutons and balsamic glaze sounded promising but he said--again, without any prompting--it contained cream. How great that the waitstaff didn't just assume everyone eats animal-based broth. Also, the foccacia was delicious.
Bad news: I ordered a salad with wontons, oranges, avocado and ginger dressing without chicken. When my salad came, there was a huge hunk of chicken leg and thigh sitting next to it. Not those innocuous-seeming hunks of chicken breast that are so ubiquitous on restaurant salads--a big, old piece of chicken. Anyways, I quickly said, "Oh, no chicken," and they took it back with no problem and gave me my salad on a new plate.
I came out as a vegan to one of my co-workers when he asked if I was vegan. I hate talking about it even though I know it's part of being a "good" vegan. It's just, well, I like to eat in peace. Nothing gets my back up like people dissecting what goes into my mouth. I'd much rather blog and blab when there's no food around.
My First Post at Vegans of Color
I'm a contributor at Vegans of Color and put up my first post today. It's just a news link but please go ahead and take a look. VoC and all of the contributors always hit the nail on the head and the blog has become a daily and beloved read of mine. I'm really excited about being a part of this community.
Jivamukti Yoga and Veganism
In light of what I posted on Thursday, the Hip Tranquil Chick podcast episode I'm listening to now is perfect because it's a wonderful marriage between yoga and veganism. It's an interview with Sharon Gannon, co-creator of the Jivamukti method of yoga. This method "emphasizes vinyasa, scriptural study, devotion, prayer, music, chanting and meditation as well as animal rights, veganism, environmentalism and political activism."
I'm listening to it now and can't wait to read more about this method and go to yoga tonight. I am feeling very tightly wound and anxious today so I really need it. Last night, I had an upsetting conversation with Brian. My chest felt like it was balled up into tiny knots, which is how I normally feel, and I didn't know what to do with that feeling. Not just in that moment but with the rest of my life. Worrying into the future is always a surefire way to get nice and calm so instead I rolled out my mat while Luckie was sitting outside in the yard and did some heart openers: warrior poses, dolphin pose instead of downward dog because of my messed-up wrists (my yoga teacher says dolphin is actually harder but tell that to my dysfunctional wrists), child's pose, bridge pose, cobra and final relaxation. And it's crazy, but I did feel my chest unwind. I felt relaxed. I went to sleep without having to turn on the TV first.
For more information:
Scroll down to January 13, 2008 for the Hip Tranquil Chick shownotes on this episode
Jivamukti Yoga School
I'm listening to it now and can't wait to read more about this method and go to yoga tonight. I am feeling very tightly wound and anxious today so I really need it. Last night, I had an upsetting conversation with Brian. My chest felt like it was balled up into tiny knots, which is how I normally feel, and I didn't know what to do with that feeling. Not just in that moment but with the rest of my life. Worrying into the future is always a surefire way to get nice and calm so instead I rolled out my mat while Luckie was sitting outside in the yard and did some heart openers: warrior poses, dolphin pose instead of downward dog because of my messed-up wrists (my yoga teacher says dolphin is actually harder but tell that to my dysfunctional wrists), child's pose, bridge pose, cobra and final relaxation. And it's crazy, but I did feel my chest unwind. I felt relaxed. I went to sleep without having to turn on the TV first.
For more information:
Scroll down to January 13, 2008 for the Hip Tranquil Chick shownotes on this episode
Jivamukti Yoga School
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Renewal
A few weeks ago, I had a craving for salmon teriyaki, a meal I occassionally enjoyed buying from a restaurant around my job. I didn't give into this craving but for a few moments throughout the day, I thought, "Hmmm, salmon sounds really good right now." I knew I wasn't going to eat it but I kept thinking about it.
Since then, every once in a while, the thought pops into my head, "I wonder if I'll ever eat meat again," or "Cheese. It does taste good." I don't do anything with the thoughts. I just notice them. They go away. I'm vegan now and, unless I'm at a nonvegan restaurant (like I think I may have to go to tomorrow for work and the damn place doesn't even have a web listing on a search engine, let alone a web site for me to peruse), I do not find it in the least bit difficult to be vegan. Still, 27-plus years of eating animals and their by-products can still be slightly formidable in the face of just months of vegetarianism and veganism.
In the last week or so, I've been obsessively listening to the Hip Tranquil Chick podcast and loving it. Totally getting my yoga on, journaling, really focusing on me, so much so that I did yoga poses while Brian painted inside my mother's house (I did help, too; I just took some yoga breaks!). This is in contrast to what I've been focusing on in the past year, which has mainly been Brian and veganism. At work, I usually listened to Food for Thought, Vegan Freak Radio, Animal Voices, and others. I spent a majority of my waking hours thinking about animals and food. I'm not saying getting into yoga and other subjects is making me want to eat salmon. Yoga has that whole ahimsa thing going for it, so delving into yoga only strengthens my commitment to veganism. What I am saying is, I took a little break from Hip Tranquil Chick today and listened to the latest Vegan Freak and Food for Thought episodes. I saw the picture in the upper left hand corner of this post with the shownotes for the latest Animal Voices episode on Farm Sanctuary's pig rescue and almost started crying. I knew the answer to the question, "I wonder if I'll ever eat meat again?" No. I won't eat animals again. Not as long as my eyes, ears, head, and heart are open. Since veganism is still new to me and still something I don't automatically share with people, I still need to do work to reinforce my dedication to and practice of it.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Serves One: Quick Sort of Fried Rice
Since most of the cooking I do is pour moi, I will single out Mutual Menu recipes for singles as "Serves One." Some other meals for one include the Quinoa and Seitan Bowl, Quick Minestrone for the Sickly, Sun Dried Tomato and Avocado Toast, Savory Roasted Sweet Potatoes, Soothing Tortellini-Broccolini Soup, a Pomegranate Margarita (technically serves two but no one is going to stop you from drinking the entire concoction), and how to create a whole meal for yourself without making a mess by utilizing the en papillote method of cooking. My favorite cooking for one resources are Serves One by Toni Lydecker and the "One and Two" chapter of How To Eat by Nigella Lawson.
Last night after getting home from work close to eight o’clock at night, I was craving some greens and grains. I decided to cook kale and leftover brown rice in the toasted sesame oil I just bought along with my preferred soy sauce, tamari. I also had a bag of frozen peas. I think you should always have a bag of peas in your freezer. I love how toothsome, sweet, and starchy they are and the fact that I can just break off a frozen block and mix them in just about any rice dish. Screw those who look down upon frozen vegetables. Frozen ones are often more nutrient-dense than "fresh" produce anyway because they get frozen at their freshest. Feel free to use any other vegetables you have on hand—asparagus, peppers, sugar snap peas, broccoli—or toss in a handful or two of crumble tofu. I admit, this doesn't taste like the fried rice you'll get at a Chinese food takeout place but it's still tasty in its own right.
Ingredients
3 teaspoons toasted sesame oil, divided
5–6 big stalks of kale, washed, patted dry and roughly chopped with stems intact
2 cloves garlic, chopped
¼ cup red onion, diced
1 cup cooked brown rice
½ cup frozen peas
2–3 teaspoons tamari, or more to taste
fresh ground pepper to taste
1. Heat 2 teaspoons oil in large pot over medium-high heat. After about a minute, add kale and garlic. Lower heat to low-medium and stir kale often until wilted down, about 10 minutes.
2. Add red onion and cook until warm and slightly translucent, or about 5 minutes, stirring often.
3. Combine rice, peas, 1 teaspoon oil, tamari, and pepper with other ingredients in pot, stir well to combine and cook until rice and peas are warmed throughout, about 5 to 7 minutes. Taste and add more tamari and pepper if you’d like. Serve immediately.
Serves one generously
Last night after getting home from work close to eight o’clock at night, I was craving some greens and grains. I decided to cook kale and leftover brown rice in the toasted sesame oil I just bought along with my preferred soy sauce, tamari. I also had a bag of frozen peas. I think you should always have a bag of peas in your freezer. I love how toothsome, sweet, and starchy they are and the fact that I can just break off a frozen block and mix them in just about any rice dish. Screw those who look down upon frozen vegetables. Frozen ones are often more nutrient-dense than "fresh" produce anyway because they get frozen at their freshest. Feel free to use any other vegetables you have on hand—asparagus, peppers, sugar snap peas, broccoli—or toss in a handful or two of crumble tofu. I admit, this doesn't taste like the fried rice you'll get at a Chinese food takeout place but it's still tasty in its own right.
Ingredients
3 teaspoons toasted sesame oil, divided
5–6 big stalks of kale, washed, patted dry and roughly chopped with stems intact
2 cloves garlic, chopped
¼ cup red onion, diced
1 cup cooked brown rice
½ cup frozen peas
2–3 teaspoons tamari, or more to taste
fresh ground pepper to taste
1. Heat 2 teaspoons oil in large pot over medium-high heat. After about a minute, add kale and garlic. Lower heat to low-medium and stir kale often until wilted down, about 10 minutes.
2. Add red onion and cook until warm and slightly translucent, or about 5 minutes, stirring often.
3. Combine rice, peas, 1 teaspoon oil, tamari, and pepper with other ingredients in pot, stir well to combine and cook until rice and peas are warmed throughout, about 5 to 7 minutes. Taste and add more tamari and pepper if you’d like. Serve immediately.
Serves one generously
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
End of Summer Links
* How to Write a Recipe Like a Professional at The Kitchn portion of Apartment Therapy is a great primer for writing clear and instructive recipes. It's a concise wrap-up of what I learned in the cookbook writing class I took with Corinne Trang last year.
* The Vegan de Guadalupe Cookzine on etsy gets my vote for best cookbook cover. Recipes I am dying to try include Guisado de Seitan and Sopa de Lentejas. Thanks to Noemi at Vegans of Color for the tip.
* Hip Tranquil Chick is my new favorite podcast. Check out episodes on macrobiotics, travel (click down to April 23 post to listen), an introduction to yoga (scroll down to January 16 post to listen), and more tips for living "on and off the mat."
* My current obsession is yoga. After years of doing yoga on DVDs at home, I finally took my first live class with my friend on Tuesday. Even though (or perhaps because) I am surprisingly sore in every muscle of my body and I modified all wrist bearing poses to accomodate my FUAs*/RSI, I am in love.
* FUA stands for Fucked-Up Arms, which is what I have named my condition.
* The Vegan de Guadalupe Cookzine on etsy gets my vote for best cookbook cover. Recipes I am dying to try include Guisado de Seitan and Sopa de Lentejas. Thanks to Noemi at Vegans of Color for the tip.
* Hip Tranquil Chick is my new favorite podcast. Check out episodes on macrobiotics, travel (click down to April 23 post to listen), an introduction to yoga (scroll down to January 16 post to listen), and more tips for living "on and off the mat."
* My current obsession is yoga. After years of doing yoga on DVDs at home, I finally took my first live class with my friend on Tuesday. Even though (or perhaps because) I am surprisingly sore in every muscle of my body and I modified all wrist bearing poses to accomodate my FUAs*/RSI, I am in love.
* FUA stands for Fucked-Up Arms, which is what I have named my condition.
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